Thursday, December 9, 2010

How to spend lottery winnings

Life's a pointless experience if you don't leave the world without making it better or having someone remember you for something incredible that you achieved. Lest we forget, right?!

My dream is to win tattslotto and I don't at all think that's unreasonable. It's achievable and something to work towards. It means I'd actually have to take a moment in time out of my week to log on to the lotto website and purchase a ticket online. Yep, that's right folks, it's that easy to take the gamble these days. Nothing is more conducive of a reason to treat myself to this dream than another day in the office. I can't wait to win!

So I guess the question is "what's this guy going to be remembered for?". Well I'll tell you now it won't be the generosity of sharing my winnings with a bunch of people who'll inevitably forget where they got the money from and move on merrily about their daily routines with their newest modern conveniences. No sir! Here are a couple of quick ideas....


- The Gravity Free Suit
This amazing invention will be a must have and will almost certainly bring about world peace. I think I should have my hand up high already to be nominated for a Nobel Prize after just thinking of this one.

The concept is a modified space suit. The difference being in this instance that the usual atmospheric gasses that are produced within the suit to simulate that of the earth will be spiked with an added dosage of tetrahydrochloride. A world where people all wear a suit like this will surely be a better place. Complacency will replace feud, greed and violence and everyone will think they're weightless and living on the moon. How could you be any happier??? 
   +  =

- Neck Bypass Duct
OK, so the gravity free suit invention comes with it's flaws, I'll agree. We'd be living in a world more so obese than it currently is and that'd be no good for anyone. It'd be hard to put on a bunch of weight snacking on space food when you have the munchies I'm sure, but alas it never hurts to pay careful attention to detail. This is where this next nifty contribution to humanity comes in. 

Eating food is awesome and perhaps one of my favorite pass times. The problem is I get full. Being bloated and feeling sick in the stomach is unpleasant and inevitably puts the brakes on a decent eating session. Not to mention of course the health implications of stuffing yourself full to the brim at every opportunity with the tasty things on the menu (the good stuff is always bad for you).

I figure why not stimulate all of the food loving senses (aside from that bloated, sick feeling) and have a digestive tract tracheotomy??? You smell the food, it excites your visual senses, then the pleasure of tasting and eating it and then before it hits your stomach for precessing it's expressed from your body via tubing to a waste container. When used in conjunction with the gravity free suit it just makes sense. Your waste needs to be stored somewhere anyway.

...Once my inventions have been fine tuned to perfection I'll set myself up in a sweet office that will make google's head quarters seem insignificant. An elevator will be installed that will take you to the rooftop which will be the only entry to the building. Once you step out of the elevator you will find yourself on a platform not unlike an Olympic high diving springboard. Clearly no one in their right mind would be without a gravity free suit by this stage, which will mean leaping into the underwater office will make complete rational sense. 

The office itself will be fitted out in much the same format as any normal office with the underwater factor being the only exception. All the employees will have a cheerful disposition and the standard three formal warnings before termination of employment will stand enforced only upon bitch/arsehole like behavior. 

When the day of my end does come about my smiling face entombed beneath my space helmet shall be cast into the fiery depths of an active volcano or into the ocean amongst a school of great white sharks. 



Just one of them days…

Subtle as a sledgehammer – This ironic, amusing quotation is made reference to someone who acts without finesse

Normally I wake to the sound of an annoying alarm tone that I have on my phone. If I hear that same tone during the day it makes me feel ill. I assimilate it to the kind of treatment served in Stanley Cubrick’s Clockwork Orange. My minds negative association to actually having to wake up and come back to reality from my Neverland experiences is astounding! This morning’s wake up call would have welcomed my alarm tone.

The house next door to mine has been a work in progress now since the week we moved in. Some things take time, granted, but two years to build a thirty square home is a little excessive. Most of the construction has been undertaken on weekends and public holidays which has been annoying enough, but at least most of the noise has been kept to a minimum until at least 9:00am.

This morning was just the perfect icing on the annoying cake. 6:30am, twenty minutes until my next dose of soul bashing alarm, I was woken to the sound of a sledgehammer thumping on the side wall of the house. It wasn’t just one or two love taps, it turned into at least forty five minutes of solid weapon wielding. Usually I’m a pretty tolerant guy and quite reserved and reasonable when someone is a little inconsiderate, but 6:30am!!! Two years and they can’t wait another couple of hours before they go disturbing the neighborhood. Needless to say I kitted up in my most imposing attire (lycra) and had a little chat with our noisy neighbor before heading to work. I used a little tool of my own to get my point across, I like to call it sarcasm. I’m sure my complaints fell upon deaf ears. I should’ve noted down his registration number so I could track him down. I’d see his sledgehammer and raise him a jack, his 6:30am and aim for 4:00am. What a coq!

While I’m on a rantpage; also ranking on the coq-o-meter…

·         The chap that decided to flick a cigarette butt out of his stationary vehicle at the instant I rode past. You’re a scumbag (refer to previous blog)
·         Professor Scumbaggy who won’t answer my calls so I can repair the internet connection to the office. Forget the fact that we’re not receiveing any business related emails of potential importance, what the hell am I supposed to do now??? My job???
·         King Nothing (see prior post) also gets a mention for his ignorance with the whole internet connection scenario. Listening to a 10min monologue on how he’s gone about trying to fix the problem led to clarification that he has absolutely no idea what he’s doing with computers. A secondary failure on his behalf is that if he let me drive the server for five minutes rather than maintaining his elitist status as “the managing director who ever doubts the ability and integrity of his “scumbag” minions”, I inevitably would have the problem rectified without paying an IT consultant.

Tomorrow the sun will rise, then it’ll set, all the time in between beings roaming the earth will make life harder for one another in the hope of becoming the alpha male.

…well, until next time, ta ta    

Thursday, December 2, 2010

TGI Friday!

... yes, thank God, it's finally here. 3:18pm Friday afternoon and the end of the working week is so close, yet so far. 42min to sweat it out (literally, as the office cooling system is absolutely rubbish) before I can hop on my bike and ride off into the sunset. A horse would probably be more fitting, but for now I'll saddle up my triple butted chromolly steel framed Malvern Star and attempt to squeeze out a few more drops of last night's drinking binge from my pores.

The word about the office today has been "scumbag".

Noun: A contemptible or objectionable person.
... in the world of construction this term is generally used affectionately when in reference to a trades person, and more often than not, a plumber. It's amazing how productively one manages to exercise talents of insubordination when in a workplace of totalitarian rule. The shared office space I inhibit is often rife with explosive displays of creativity and laughter. Idiosyncrasies of our 'respected' superiors are thrown into unlikely social scenarios and arrogance and ignorance exaggerated for the relief of daily monotony and distraction from any form of productivity.
The number for today is "too many".
Here's an equation for you; two consecutive nights of overconsumption of beer - a normal night sleep or two + a humid, sweaty, uncomfortable working environment = a disgruntled and unproductive employee (refer to word for the day).
...15min and counting. Make it stop. Actually no, speed it up a little. What the hell is the clock doing???? There must be something wrong with it. Seemingly it's not moving. Aaaaarrrrrrrgh!!!!
Signing off 3:48pm. 12min to go. HELP ME!