Thursday, December 9, 2010

How to spend lottery winnings

Life's a pointless experience if you don't leave the world without making it better or having someone remember you for something incredible that you achieved. Lest we forget, right?!

My dream is to win tattslotto and I don't at all think that's unreasonable. It's achievable and something to work towards. It means I'd actually have to take a moment in time out of my week to log on to the lotto website and purchase a ticket online. Yep, that's right folks, it's that easy to take the gamble these days. Nothing is more conducive of a reason to treat myself to this dream than another day in the office. I can't wait to win!

So I guess the question is "what's this guy going to be remembered for?". Well I'll tell you now it won't be the generosity of sharing my winnings with a bunch of people who'll inevitably forget where they got the money from and move on merrily about their daily routines with their newest modern conveniences. No sir! Here are a couple of quick ideas....


- The Gravity Free Suit
This amazing invention will be a must have and will almost certainly bring about world peace. I think I should have my hand up high already to be nominated for a Nobel Prize after just thinking of this one.

The concept is a modified space suit. The difference being in this instance that the usual atmospheric gasses that are produced within the suit to simulate that of the earth will be spiked with an added dosage of tetrahydrochloride. A world where people all wear a suit like this will surely be a better place. Complacency will replace feud, greed and violence and everyone will think they're weightless and living on the moon. How could you be any happier??? 
   +  =

- Neck Bypass Duct
OK, so the gravity free suit invention comes with it's flaws, I'll agree. We'd be living in a world more so obese than it currently is and that'd be no good for anyone. It'd be hard to put on a bunch of weight snacking on space food when you have the munchies I'm sure, but alas it never hurts to pay careful attention to detail. This is where this next nifty contribution to humanity comes in. 

Eating food is awesome and perhaps one of my favorite pass times. The problem is I get full. Being bloated and feeling sick in the stomach is unpleasant and inevitably puts the brakes on a decent eating session. Not to mention of course the health implications of stuffing yourself full to the brim at every opportunity with the tasty things on the menu (the good stuff is always bad for you).

I figure why not stimulate all of the food loving senses (aside from that bloated, sick feeling) and have a digestive tract tracheotomy??? You smell the food, it excites your visual senses, then the pleasure of tasting and eating it and then before it hits your stomach for precessing it's expressed from your body via tubing to a waste container. When used in conjunction with the gravity free suit it just makes sense. Your waste needs to be stored somewhere anyway.

...Once my inventions have been fine tuned to perfection I'll set myself up in a sweet office that will make google's head quarters seem insignificant. An elevator will be installed that will take you to the rooftop which will be the only entry to the building. Once you step out of the elevator you will find yourself on a platform not unlike an Olympic high diving springboard. Clearly no one in their right mind would be without a gravity free suit by this stage, which will mean leaping into the underwater office will make complete rational sense. 

The office itself will be fitted out in much the same format as any normal office with the underwater factor being the only exception. All the employees will have a cheerful disposition and the standard three formal warnings before termination of employment will stand enforced only upon bitch/arsehole like behavior. 

When the day of my end does come about my smiling face entombed beneath my space helmet shall be cast into the fiery depths of an active volcano or into the ocean amongst a school of great white sharks. 



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